Unholy Bummer Night with Unholy Dramatic Thoughts But Oh So True

I will smack anyone who says I’m still young to have these thoughts. I’m old enough to know what I feel and what I’m capable of feeling.I’ll be freaking 30 in a couple of years. I could be 20,30,40 or 50 but TRUE LOVE? The L they brandished in movies,books and people around me are flaunting.  It’s just something I’ll never have. I’m too damaged. I’m damaged inside. How can anybody fall in love with me? I don’t even love myself. It’s nice to see other people falling in love… But it’s not for me. That door’s closed and will never open again. I’m stuck with imagining,writing and reading books because it’s my only way to feel. I can never go back nor move forward in this area. It is bleak but I’ve already accepted this fact. Even if the time comes that I will love myself and I know it will come because I have a great family and an excellent shrink, it will be too late. I’m not worth being anyone’s partner in life to share trust,love and intimacy. I am already resigned to my fate. As long as they want me, I will continue to live for and serve my family. It’s not a burden and never will be. In fact, I do know that I am the burden and I’ll do everything to lighten the load. No one else understands and accepts me except them. I do believe that one day I will look in the mirror and like what I will see. That day will come but love? The capital L with the “in”? It will never come. It will never find me because it’s never for me. Welcome me into your arms single blessedness! 

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