Panic Attack

This morning I had my first real panic attack after several months of calmness. It was very disconcerting.

Everyone left for work when I woke up. It was just me and the dogs. I woke up to the sound of my new neighbors fixing their home. We live in a compound apartment so nothing is really sound proofed here. I could hear somebody sweeping the low roof which probably overlooked our backyard. My first thought was “Shit! Did I clean the dogs’ mess last night? They’re going to see it. They’re going to see it and they’re going to complain.” On a very little sleep, I groggily jumped out of bed, startling the little dog sleeping with me. I checked the yard and it was actually clean. I fed the dogs and cleaned again.

I went online. I had (and when this passes I still probably am) a wonderful moment of elation. It’s fandom related and I was so happy that I could literally feel the rush of blood into my head. I was grinning and giggling for 30 minutes. When I was calming down and diverting my thoughts to other things, I heard a knock from another neighbor’s door. I was sitting at the dining table by this time and didn’t bother to open the windows downstairs because I didn’t want to see the little boy who kept taunting our dog. I heard the knock and came another immediate thought. “Is that landlord again? Why? Are we overdue?” We’re not.

My heart started palpitating really fast. I laughed at my thoughts and went back to my computer. When I heard hammering outside followed by a series of knocks, on another door, another crazy thought came. “Are we going to be disconnected today? But there was no disconnection notice and we’re paying tomorrow.” I didn’t like the feelings that were starting to develop. Even as I am typing this, I am still entertaining worries and anxieties that shouldn’t be there.

When I heard a loud thud next door, I lost it. I could not continue what I was typing. My hands started trembling. The tips of my fingers and toes started getting really, really cold and stiff. My heart was racing so fast. I thought I was having a heart attack. Each time I would hear a sound outside, I get really really nervous. I felt like death was going to come for me. My head started to ache so bad. The back of my neck was sweating and my vision blurred. Hysteria started to overcome me. My chest was heaving visibly. It was so embarrassing to see.

Only my dog was there and she started nudging her nose on my knee. I had sudden panicked thoughts. They’re kicking us out of the house. I’m stuck alone and I’m going nowhere. Nobody wants to talk to me. Nobody loves me. Nobody will love me. I’m so pathetic. No wonder I’m single. They’re all irrational thoughts. I know but I couldn’t stop it. It just came and swept me out of nowhere. Blood was rushing so fast. I could not contain what I feel. I fell on the floor shaking and crying. I could not stop it. I’m a grown woman and I could not stop it.

If anyone saw me this morning, I’d be mortified. The shaking and dizziness persisted. I was crunched on the floor crying for my mother. I just kept on saying “Mama, help me.” I was still shaking when I heard footsteps passing by our door, I just thought “Whoever it is, I am not opening that door. Not now.” I think I was on the floor for three minutes.

My heart was still beating so hard but the shaking stopped. I finally got up and got some water. Now feeling utter embarrassment, I went to the computer and typed “Can anyone help me? I’m having a panic attack and no one’s around.” on google. I just wanted to let it out and not really seeking answers.

I calmed down a bit and wished for rain. Rain always calms me down. It was gloomy but rain wasn’t coming soon. Rain’s still not coming while I’m typing this. I just sat down, took a deep breathe and hugged my dog. The sounds outside still give me a jolt. Some unnamed fear is still lurking in the back of my head but I am calm now. I am not crumbling on the floor. Maybe I can now cook my brunch and take a bath. What happened, however, was very, very real and it scared me. It was the time I wished so hard somebody was with me. I also felt an everlasting gratefulness for my dog who helped me. How she knew what I was feeling is beyond me. I wish I could pass the next one. Without a doubt, I know there are more to come.

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