I MOVED!

Hello there! I moved to a new blog! Thanks a heap!

Eeeeppp!!!

It’s been a long time since I’ve been here. I was too busy ignoring this and I’ve been maintaining another blog. I see my stats and noticed a number of people checking out my Sato Takeru tags from a long time ago. Can I just please repeat one thing about the women post? They are just RUMOURS and nothing is proven…yet. It was just a post for my equally gossip driven friends. *insert smile here* Thank you for being curious! I doubt I was of any help but nevertheless, thank you! Spread the neko chan love!

Panic Attack

This morning I had my first real panic attack after several months of calmness. It was very disconcerting.

Everyone left for work when I woke up. It was just me and the dogs. I woke up to the sound of my new neighbors fixing their home. We live in a compound apartment so nothing is really sound proofed here. I could hear somebody sweeping the low roof which probably overlooked our backyard. My first thought was “Shit! Did I clean the dogs’ mess last night? They’re going to see it. They’re going to see it and they’re going to complain.” On a very little sleep, I groggily jumped out of bed, startling the little dog sleeping with me. I checked the yard and it was actually clean. I fed the dogs and cleaned again.

I went online. I had (and when this passes I still probably am) a wonderful moment of elation. It’s fandom related and I was so happy that I could literally feel the rush of blood into my head. I was grinning and giggling for 30 minutes. When I was calming down and diverting my thoughts to other things, I heard a knock from another neighbor’s door. I was sitting at the dining table by this time and didn’t bother to open the windows downstairs because I didn’t want to see the little boy who kept taunting our dog. I heard the knock and came another immediate thought. “Is that landlord again? Why? Are we overdue?” We’re not.

My heart started palpitating really fast. I laughed at my thoughts and went back to my computer. When I heard hammering outside followed by a series of knocks, on another door, another crazy thought came. “Are we going to be disconnected today? But there was no disconnection notice and we’re paying tomorrow.” I didn’t like the feelings that were starting to develop. Even as I am typing this, I am still entertaining worries and anxieties that shouldn’t be there.

When I heard a loud thud next door, I lost it. I could not continue what I was typing. My hands started trembling. The tips of my fingers and toes started getting really, really cold and stiff. My heart was racing so fast. I thought I was having a heart attack. Each time I would hear a sound outside, I get really really nervous. I felt like death was going to come for me. My head started to ache so bad. The back of my neck was sweating and my vision blurred. Hysteria started to overcome me. My chest was heaving visibly. It was so embarrassing to see.

Only my dog was there and she started nudging her nose on my knee. I had sudden panicked thoughts. They’re kicking us out of the house. I’m stuck alone and I’m going nowhere. Nobody wants to talk to me. Nobody loves me. Nobody will love me. I’m so pathetic. No wonder I’m single. They’re all irrational thoughts. I know but I couldn’t stop it. It just came and swept me out of nowhere. Blood was rushing so fast. I could not contain what I feel. I fell on the floor shaking and crying. I could not stop it. I’m a grown woman and I could not stop it.

If anyone saw me this morning, I’d be mortified. The shaking and dizziness persisted. I was crunched on the floor crying for my mother. I just kept on saying “Mama, help me.” I was still shaking when I heard footsteps passing by our door, I just thought “Whoever it is, I am not opening that door. Not now.” I think I was on the floor for three minutes.

My heart was still beating so hard but the shaking stopped. I finally got up and got some water. Now feeling utter embarrassment, I went to the computer and typed “Can anyone help me? I’m having a panic attack and no one’s around.” on google. I just wanted to let it out and not really seeking answers.

I calmed down a bit and wished for rain. Rain always calms me down. It was gloomy but rain wasn’t coming soon. Rain’s still not coming while I’m typing this. I just sat down, took a deep breathe and hugged my dog. The sounds outside still give me a jolt. Some unnamed fear is still lurking in the back of my head but I am calm now. I am not crumbling on the floor. Maybe I can now cook my brunch and take a bath. What happened, however, was very, very real and it scared me. It was the time I wished so hard somebody was with me. I also felt an everlasting gratefulness for my dog who helped me. How she knew what I was feeling is beyond me. I wish I could pass the next one. Without a doubt, I know there are more to come.

Day 18: Name a Drama you dropped, and why?

30 Day Asian Drama Challenge

Day 18: Name a Drama you dropped, and why?

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Sunshine Angel

I had such high hopes for Sunshine Angel. Yes, the plot is a little overused but I expected it to at least entertain me with the lines. I thought Rainie Yang, whom I adore, (and Fahrenheit appearance) would be sufficient for me. I watched the first two episodes and I was bored. Any drama that allows you to casually pause it to do other stuff every few minutes is not worth mooning over.

I had such expectations I shouldn’t have. It needed major scene and line revisions. However, I noticed a lot of people liking this one. It just goes to show that we all have different cups of tea.

 

Boxing People

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An old friend might someday be your partner in life. Or a lover might one day be your just friend. I know people who have gone through this and they were contented. However, this is not me. It’s not how I deal with people.

My relationships have compartments. They’re in boxes and groups. Family. Friends. Lovers. Enemies. Strangers. Separate boxes. I can’t have a friend and a lover in one box.Why not? They asked me. I said it destroys the order of things.

Then I received the backfire from a dream. It was totally inappropriate but I picked up the gist of the lesson it was trying to drill into my brain. You can’t always categorize people. Most of the time,it’s a mesh of everything. It’s crazy, messy, and complicated but it’s the craziness that makes us whole as a person. You can change your boxes. There could be an exchange or a party in one box. You can always destroy the boxes and spread it on the floor.

People can’t be categorized. The face of a stranger could be your family. It’s sad but it’s true. People have drilled holes in those boxes a long time ago. A party went down and you still smile when you placed them in their “rightful” place. The universe just doesn’t work that way.

Relationships are not predictable. Persons are not predictable. Don’t hold back your feelings with anyone because you’ve placed them in a certain bracket. (I trust that when I say feelings,it’s not necessarily romantic) Open the boxes and let them out.

Sometimes the messiest is the best.

Day 17: Your favorite Drama character?

30 Day Asian Drama Challenge

Day 17: Your favorite Drama character?

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I have yet to watch the new Itazura Na Kiss-Love in Tokyo but my favorite drama character is Kinnosuke Nakamura (manga character name). In Playful Kiss he was Bong Joon-gu played by Lee Tae-Sung. In It Started With A Kiss and They Kissed Again, Jiro Wang played Jin Yuan Feng (Ah Jin). He’s Jiang Zhi Shu’s rival and Xiang Qin’s “stalker” and close friend. I love how crazy he gets yet there is unspeakable balance about this character. Though heartbroken in the end, and have every right to be angry, he still chose to be the voice of reason by giving the two protagonists a way to find each other. When a girl you love has outright turn you down, confesses her love to another man and cries when you’re about to kiss her, a man could only take so much heartache. He was depressed for a while but he never lost his humor. I love the resiliency of this character. He wasn’t easily disappointed nor did he give up his love. The love he felt for the female protagonist never left the story. The love just evolved. It was a joy to watch him gave the same love to the male protagonist when they were married. He offered loyalty and friendship to the very end. He had so much love to give that I was so happy when Taiwan’s version and manga (I’m not sure if Japan showed this. I will find out) showed how he found his own true love. One last thing I love about this character was that he never turned into a bitter rival/antagonist that would plot schemes to break the couple apart. He was heartbroken and he dealt with it like a man.

My Object of Abomination

I hate your composure.

I hate your indescribable hair.

I hate your monotony.

I hate your goals.

I hate your baggage.

I hate your manner of speaking.

I hate your demeanor.

I hate your chivalry to others.

I hate my insignificance to you.

I hate your value to me.

I hate your idealism.

I hate your pivotal absence.

I hate your avocations.

I hate your obsessions.

I hate your preferences.

I hate your modesty.

I hate your smile.

But God! Why can’t I hate you?

 

The Mind of a Mall Wanderer

“Well no doubt they are inspired.”

“No shit.”

These are my almost famous words as somebody “tried to read and understand my badly written poem. It is a widely known fact, among friends at least, that I write shitty poems. They don’t touch that zone of sympathy, much, much less for empathy, colorless, monotonous, no layers, shallow and literal.

And there goes my poetry as the young couple beside me walks away. Now consider the first lines I wrote as an elaborate disguise. I was quite flattered to find them reading what I was writing. I’m sitting on a huge ass, geometric looking chair inside the mall while waiting for my sister who’s applying for her next job. Without a doubt, I know my she’s going to ace the interview. I am left here twiddling my thumbs in the midst of strangers. It will probably take another hour before I could leave. My butt’s pan flat now as I’ve been sitting here for more than an hour already. My only consolation is full inked pen, my little notebook (yes a real notebook techie people) and my darting eyes.

In the past hour, I’ve been given a flyer by a Moshi Koshi Noodle Boss employee. I read it. Cool. I wasn’t really hungry. My red wallet told me I’m not hungry. In the past hour, an old man hit on me who immediately left after noticing my headphones. The earphones are clearly a strategy. It was plugged into my phone which was turned off that moment. I was saving my battery but he doesn’t know that. A group of women huddled beside me. They kept on pushing I almost fell from my chair. If not for my pen and “professional” glasses, I couldn’t have scared them away. They were in a heated debate on what Havaianas they were going to buy. It was so much fuss about beach slippers that it forced me look at my grey sandal clad feet. Damn! My red and gold nail polish is chipping away. Who cares? More than an hour of sitting without a backrest reminded me of my back pain. I have to get a massage soon. My red wallet sends me a message. I don’t need a massage. Salon Pas it is.

I kept on glancing at the elevator and escalator hoping my sister would come down soon with a grin on her face. There is a man wearing black from head to toe. He’s sitting in front of me and kept on giving me these “looks”. Too short. Nope. I’m sorry. Damn! Moshi Koshi noodles look good. Then there’s Adobo Connection on the other side. I remember eating there once… So never mind. I can cook better adobo. No shit. But Moshi Koshi noodles look really good. Nah! It could be bland.

Aha! My right ring finger’s starting to swell from the pen’s pressure. It’s time to rest my hand and do some people analysis: WHY ARE THERE SO MANY PEOPLE INSIDE THE MALL?

p.s. My sister got the job. Yey!

A Pier of Beauty

     Last Christmas vacation, I went back to my hometown in an itsy, bitsy undiscovered provincial beauty of Romblon. On my first morning, my mother woke me up and asked me to accompany her on her morning jog. Her “jog” was basically a walk to the pier. I groaned out load when I saw the time. It was just fifteen minutes past five. I may be a grown woman but I can never ignore my mother. We walked to the almost deserted pier… AND IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

     How did I grew up here and not appreciate this? Wind was blowing quite fiercely as water raged and pounded the rocks. I was awestruck that I had to take out my phone and snap a few pictures. I hope more people can appreciate the sheer beauty of a simple town’s sea port and the magnificent sea. I grew up here. I was tossed into these seas by my father who taught us how to swim when I was two. I swam in these waters with my childhood friends. I traveled in ships from this pier for countless times and yet it took me decades before I could truly love it. Shame on me. I hope you also appreciate this glimpse of my hometown. 

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Day 16: Your favorite actress?

30 Day Asian Drama Challenge

Japan- Inoue Mao
FIERCE but sweet!

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but girl crushing on Fujii Mina

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Korea- Yoon Eun Hye
She’s a princess!

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Taiwan- Rainie Yang
I watched her bloomed from a giggly girl to a classy woman in ten years.

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and Ady An
She’s so regal!

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